Seriously, I don't know anymore. I don't even know why this matters to me or rather why is it bothering me. Call me paranoid or what but i'm not, I just rather you to be happy. But it turned out backfired.

You asked for the reasons, I gave you the explanations. What's more ? Ok, this is getting abit confusing. So i'll start with the guy first.

You asked for explanations, I gave you what you wanted but you're still so bothered by it. You're indecisive on whether to forgive but wait. What's with the forgive ? I didn't do anything much that made you so upset, did I ?

For studies, I didn't want to make you screw up because you've been telling me that there's not enough time. So i don't wanna disturb you & I went to gather my notes for your geo. You told me that i'm being a cold shoulder to you.

Between work & band. I've made up my mind to choose to be with the band simply because my passion is still there but not with my school band. You asked me whether if I wanted to work together but i've agreed to commit to the band before you asked me about the job. So what can I do ? Turn down the band once again ? My sister's in that band & I wished to help. But didn't I told you that after my concert if there's work, we can work together ?

You followed up saying i've been copying & following sebas. I gave you the reasons & I think I need you to take note on this again. The way I carry my bag is the same as sebas. I think it's silly brother. Show me how you can carry a sling bag in more than 4 ways. In addition, my bag's bulky due to the fact that I brought along a pair of shoes. Now tell me, how can you feel comfortable sling-ing a bag that is so bulky & the train's so crowded ? I carried it that way because it's more convenient isn't it ?

Moving on to the fact that i'm learning malay. Now tell me, which language is more commonly used in school other than english & the fact that i'm chinese. Jap or german ? My dad knows malay, my sis knows it as well. Of course not as good. Can't I learn it as well ? Or stick to boring chinese ? Even you're learning & speaking malay already. Oh, i'm copying you ?

Next, learning guitar. What's my cca ? Band isn't it ? Leads to ? MUSIC. Sebas knows how to play guitar which leads to the conclusion that i'm copying him. Great. Have you heard before, people with same passion tend to be great friends. Now that i'm in percussion. I'm learning drums. Who am I copying now ?

Concerning next. Speaking english. I used to be a pure chinese & speaks chinese all the time. I can't deny the fact that sebas do influence me with his english speaking because he doesn't speak chinese. I've to juggle english & chinese. In addition, going to my sister's band. More english speakers came in my life & my sister speaks to me in english as well. Tell me, how can I not change the way I speak ? & decent guys speaks ? ENGLISH.

Regarding your birthday celebration. What's over is over. I can't do anything as I said before. The only thing I can do next is to reimburse. I thought of giving you a surprise when you're taking your O levels results. I even said to you before & describe what you're going to receive. I guessed that you've forgotten about it. You said the meaning isn't there. Then can you tell me what the F can I do ? I can't perform time travel. Because it's better to be late than nothing. You were complaining how badly you did for midyear so I thought that giving you more time to study will benefit you. But no, it serve no meaning. I even thought of what to give & what to do on it. Told you that i'm gonna write you a list of places where we had our memories before. No, you've forgotten everything.

This kind of thing is scary you know. It's like a inevitable problem. Last year we quarrelled over silly things. Involving liangjie, boris, me, ivan, you. We got back but now we're repeating the damn history. But now, it's just me & you. And I got back with the rest of them. You said I didn't talk to you when we went for lunch together. I'll ask you this. Did you reply when I talk to you ? I think all you did was just smile or say no la, not emo. Talk to you, reply short replies. Then back to studying. Sebas didn't talk to you because he don't know what to talk about. But we, older than him should like start the topic so that we can talk ? Since he don't know what to talk about. Because we live 1 year more than him ?

I think the only thing that I made you so upset was regarding your birthday. I could give you the explanations for others. Asked you to talk it out, went halfway & avoiding now. During the sentosa trip, people were asking me why am I like so emo or whatever god damn reason. How the hell am I supposed to talk to you all when the problem is solved halfway. The treatment is so bad that I don't even feel like talking, that's why I didn't talk. Then you go, HAH that's how I felt that time. I'll ask you this. Is it examination period now ? It's supposed to be joyful instead of stress ?

Have you ever put yourself in my shoes & try to feel why I did those things ? Now, speak your mind. People said true brothers understand each other's actions. We don't seem so, do we ? Maybe. Our dreams ? To live together in the future. Wow, I wonder where did the dream went to. If you're still saying that people changes. Sorry, I think the problem lies in you being too paranoid. If not, why denise & me can last so long as brothers & sisters without quarrels ?



Next, the girl.

Maybe i've neglected you too much. I told you even before we're together that i've little experience in this kind of things. I don't know why this thing bothers me so much. It's as though asking me to solve this matter as soon as possible. But I don't know how to start & when to start. I guessed that i'm not those mushy kinds that most girls likes.

I said we need to talk it out. & yes, we did talked it out. But you're still hiding something. You insisted that you don't know how to explain or say it out. So I said i'll give you some time to think over. & you didn't came back to explain. You said you heard something about me. Ok well, speak. You didn't. So now what ? If it's over, it's over. I've no say in this.

Actually I don't believe in this silly kind of online gaming couple thing. But as time grows, I tend to accept it. But I felt that it's not realistic. So I suggested to meet up during the holidays. You said you were shy. I said i'll bring along Royston since the 3 of us are friends last time. You said you're more shy. So I said, ok then, when the time comes then we see how. My friend had the similar situation as me. But they exchanged photos frequently, well to see each other which I presumed. But us ? It's more of a one sided. Yeah, more than half a year, 3 photos. Wow.

November holidays came. I'm in the commitment with band. Was busy & pressured. Which leads to no time for other things such as going out & meeting up & study session. Told you that i'll be free after the concert which was over already on 15th dec. Finally, the concert was over & it's a blast. Well, for me.

Found out that you went out with royston & another guy. I was kind of shocked. Didn't you said you were so shy that you won't meet up ? Didn't royston said that he will accompany me to meet up with her ? Why didn't he asked me along ? This 3 questions went through my mind. & I saw the photo that they took. Maybe i'm on jealousy but I think it's more of a betrayed. I don't know why, the word just came into my mind. But I do know that the both of them are contacting very often. But i'm not sure about it. But I do feel that he likes her. I don't know.

But something that I felt very weird. It seems to me that most girl will at least have a friendster/facebook or a blog/livejournal or always online in msn & they love photoshop-ing their pictures and put it in their display picture. I guessed i'm proven wrong.

I don't play audition often because I don't really like the people inside there. Using the twit languages, acting cute, acting gangster or cool are so typical inside. Or emo wannabes. I couldn't stand those people. Well, you don't need to get so pissed off. Unless you're guilty about lying to yourself. & I hate people who are arrogant or thinks that they are the most professional player in there. Because even if you are, you gonna suck in other things. Because no one is perfect.

Well, last of all. If the guy gonna like the girl. & the girl gonna like the guy. Well, go ahead. Because I believe in letting the girl be happy rather than her suffering & feeling sad. I rather i'm the one taking all the pain. That's how I am. & that's how most of my relationships ended. Seriously, you both can make a good couple. Because I feel that other guys are always better than me. Tell me if you need me to break the couple thing in there ya. Unless you wanna continue this relationship or continue like this. Yeah, call me noble in a sarcastic way but sorry, that's my style.

Yes, at first I still thought that being a drummer or guitarist gonna attract alot of girls because it's like a cool stuff. I picked it up but to know that, there's no audience. Or even to let your girl know that you're talented & it's a honour to have you. To perform for you. But to know that, i've no girl. Which leads to, there's no meaning. But sorry, commitment to band is a different thing. Because that's my style. I said that.


MCR - Cancer.



Lyrics:

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink,
Of water 'cause my lips are chapped and faded,
Call my aunt Marie,
Help her gather all my things,
And bury me in all my favorite colors,
My sisters and my brothers, still,
I will not kiss you,
Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.

Now turn away,
Cause I'm awful just to see,
Cause all my hairs abandoned all my body,
Oh, my agony,
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo,
But counting down the days to go,
It just ain't living,
And I just hope you know.

That if you say, (if you say)
Goodbye today, (goodbye today)
I'd ask you to be true. (cause I'd ask you to be true)

Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.
Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you.